I am but mad south-south-west

This is a summary of my second Road Trip '08, to see the South, while petrol is still affordable, and to head on down yonda Nahleans.

I went with Megan, who is my crass little friend from the OC ghetto. I drove round trip, a total of 3840 miles, dropping Megan off in New Orleans, for her to catch a flight to New York.

Except for the one deviation, I took the same route back, because the car overheats if it encounters anything resembling a hill, and highway 10 was pretty flat. Otherwise, I would have made more detours.

We lost our minds early on

We left the OC at 1pm after first forgetting about food and cutlery and can openers, and water. We headed South, and left east on the I-8. It was about 105 degrees out, and we soon encountered a hill, and the car started to overheat.

I nursed it into a little town called 'Alpine'. The mechanic didnt know, so I asked him to replace the Thermostat. At least to rule out the Thermostat for the next mechanic. Meanwhile we spent a good 3 hours at the Alpine Inn, drinking rather heavily, because it was happy hour, and eating, and waiting for the car to cool down.

We left alpine, and the car overheated on the next hill. So we stopped, I opened the 'Never open while hot' cap, and got burning liquid on my hand. But I poured my waters on the radiator, and after an hour, we chugged up over the hill with hazard lights on, at 35mph. It was 4000 ft to the pass, and then it would be all downhill til Louisiana.

We got over the hill, and drove through some interesting canyons, and made it to Yuma at dusk. ugh. It was stupidly hot, and the air outside was humid, even at 10pm. It had been 110 degrees today, in Yuma.

We went to 'Ron's Place', where we had some beers, and talked to the bartendress. I suggested finding a place to camp, but the lady said no way, too dangerous in Yuma, so Megan convinced me to stay at the 'Motel 6'. I felt bad for her dad, spending money on motels, but hell, not bad enough to refuse.

I woke Megan up at dawn, because we needed to get out of Yuma before the heat started again. It was already very warm, and we split a grand slam breakfast at Denny's. She slept in the car, and I drove straight through the morning.

We stopped at a bar in Tucson, called Old Timers, and had some drinks and a bite to eat. I was wondering if there were trees in Arizona.

Tucson was a pretty crap city, and why they say it 'Tu-sawn' is beyond me. So after looking around some thrift stores, we left, to look for a place to camp.

All of a sudden, when we passed some town called 'Benson', it started raining, and there were trees. It was actually quite lush. We stopped at 'Colossal caves', and the lady said 'have a colossal day', but she said if it flooded, we'd be stuck, and we couldnt leave til 8am. So after driving around for a minute inside, said fuck it, and left.

We stopped for ice creams.

Then went instead to Kartchner Caverns, which had camping. The tour of the caverns itself was $24, which is ridiculous, considering Cango caves are R45, so we just watched the free movie.

Everything was going well, we cooked soup and pasta on a grill, and the weather was grey, but pleasant. It started drizzling, then raining a little heavier, and then it could be said to be pouring, and then it was actually a bit disturbingly torrential.

I didnt think twice about it, but Megan started freaking out because of flash floods. Pish posh, I said. Floods? But sure enough, there was a small river that had developed that was flowing around the tent. Then I recalled that it was 'monsoon season', according to the pamphlet. I thought they were bullshitting. But it got so bad, we had to relocate to the 'family room', which was a pleasant emergency flood room, other than the motion sensor lights.

It was Megan's first ever time camping, so it was a bad impression. We again left at dawn, and this time, she was happy to get going.

In the morning we stopped at 'The Thing?' which is the Arizona desert mystery. But it was closed.

I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I was sort of falling asleep at the wheel. It was a long drive, and we stopped in Las Cruces, to fill up. The town was horrible, and the signs all lied. I was lucky to get out.

We entered Texas, and saw the 'Proud home of GW Bush' sign, and then saw an overturned truck, and then stopped to eat 'Peter Piper Pizza' buffet, and drink a pitcher of Bud. we ate so much food that we could barely hobble back to the car.

It rained in Texas, which was great, though there were flood warnings, so it wasnt that great. I joked often in a southern accent about 'yep, texas got plenty of weather'.

We got to Fort Stockton in the evening, and were shocked at the prices of motels. I said lets find a camp site, but Megan said no, so we went to a bar, and met the locals, and watched an episode of 'trick my truck', which is like 'pimp my ride' for hillbillys. We drank beers and tried the 'Texas remix', which was a pretty average pineapple cocktail.

We learned that some guy found the natural gas equivalent of Saudi Arabia under his property in Fort Stockton, and had 30 rigs producing $100000/day each. Therefore there were hundreds of migrant workers there, setting up infrastructure.

That meant, however, that the motels were all booked up, so we ended up staying in the 'Super 8' motel, which was expensive, for her dad. I tried to convince her to carry on to a campsite, but she was getting angry, so i had to accept the bitter sweet luxury of air conditioning, microwave oven and tv.

We were aiming to see my old work-mate, Jaco, who works at the Austin branch, and we took our time, because there was only 5 hours to drive that day. So we stopped in Fredericksburg, at some cafe, and drank about 4 'Lone Star' beers, losing track of time, and stopped at Walmart, to buy sunscreen lotion, because my arm was burning.

So we got to Austin during peak rush hour traffic, and realised Megan had lost the map to Jaco. So we worked it out on the phone, and took a scenic tour through the center of Austin, which is a nice city, except it has about a million more cars than it can handle.

We saw Obama signs on lawns, so we knew it was a little haven of liberalism in the great red land of neo-conservatives.

We arrived at Jaco's, and he showed us that he had bought a 12 pack, a mini-keg, and a 2l bottle of tequila for the night. eh heh. so we damaged the keg, and had showers, and then Jaco's friend, Dwayne, or Blaire, or something like that, arrived, and we made plans.

I put on one of Jaco's nice collared shirts, because I looked like a california bum, and Megan laughed, because she'd never seen me with a collar. We went out to some place with the name 'Pancho' in it, and I ate the stuffed avocado, which was probably the best tasting food i've ever had, and we drank mexican margaritas.

Then we headed to 6th Street, but on the West side. Apparently the east side is The Shit. But we went to the parts where the older folk hang out, and it was pretty cool. Bars are great in America, they're just expensive. It costs a good $6 a pint at most places. But they don't play the music too loud, and people are friendly.

I chatted with some chicks sitting at the same bench/table, the one i spoke to's name was Austin, which was easy to remember. Blaire's new girlfriend worked on the home shopping channel as a hand model, and she hugged me to her breasts. Nice girl, talked constantly though, about jewelery.

Jaco's girlfriend, Katie, was this sweet innocent southern belle, a far cry from my lewd companion. It was fun to speak afrikaans about other people with Jaco. ('Daai meisie luister fokol man'. 'Ja, hahahaha')

Katie drove us home, and they had to work at 8am. Jaco bought blow up mattresses, and we had a nice night's sleep and I didnt even have a hangover.

This road reminded me of Mario Kart Star cup

I woke up with the sun, and moved to the cold leather couch, because the heat was already unbearable. Jaco went to work, and explained how to lock up when we left.

I handwashed my clothes, and put them in his dryer, and watched cool runnings on his HD tv, they were dry about the same time Megan was getting up. So we hit the road, and had breakfast at the 'Waffle house', which would prove to be a bad idea, gastronomically.

Megan used my cigarette lighter yesterday, and it blew a fuse, so we had no music, and no dashboard electrics. So priority one was to find an auto parts store, and fix it. I was not driving another 2500 miles with no music. So we found it and fixed it, for $4. I was mildly proud of myself. But it was hot. man. it was a thousand degrees.

We got into Beaumont as the sun was setting, and had Taco's at Monterey's Mex Restaurant. I found some camp sites, but Megan was not keen for it, so we went to a motel 6. While i was taking a shower, apparently some guy called the room, and asked if she had blonde hair. Then called another 3 times, and we didn't pick up. Ah Texas, your people scare me.

In addition, Megan got propositioned by another motel dweller, the second time on the trip.

We were no longer in a rush, and took our sweet time to leave the air conditioned room. We were happy to leave Texas, and almost instantly we could tell Louisiana was awesome. We stopped for brunch at some Cajun place, and had some Alligator and beer for breakfast. It was $6 for a pitcher. Louisiana rules.

Then we stopped at the 'Lion's Den', which is a sex toy emporium. I marvelled at all the things i had only seen on japanese websites.

Then we drove onto some bridge road, which turned out to be hundreds of miles long, about 5 meters above the swamps and floodplains. That was cool. The trees on the sides of the roads were huge, and it was like we were in the Amazon.

Judging from the slow start, we wouldnt make it all the way to New Orleans, so we took a 25 mile detour to Fausse Pointe National Park, and went camping. Total price, $3. We had to walk a kilometer to the camp site though, and we went the wrong way, and ended up where we started. So second time, it was already getting dark, and there were mosquitoes, and armadillos, and the swamp made ominous sounds.

But it was beautiful. Fucking hot, but beautiful, very jungly for America. The sounds that night were deafening. Frogs burped all night, birds chirped, nutria scampered around the tent, mosquitoes buzzed in my ears, it was a sauna. We didn't have a great night's sleep.

But it was awesome.

The Bayou	dragonfly on my shoulder
China, population 1030.	Flood Plains

We packed up with haste, and trotted 3/4 of a mile back to the car, sweet car. I found a huge dragon fly, which I befriended. He's hard to see in the picture.

We had breakfast at the 'Cracker Barrel', which they claim was voted best US restaurant for 17 years now. Big lie. Totally average, and expensive. But it was important for Megan to say she had eaten there, I think because it sounds like such a hick trough.

We also checked out the capitol, Baton Rouge, and we were the only people there. it was like 28 days later.

We arrived in New Orleans at 10am, and went to some nice cheap hotel, and were told there would be a room available by 3pm, so we had to entertain ourselves til then.

So we went to the bar on the first corner, and then another bar, and saw some bookstores and voodoo stores before returning to the hotel. We took a 3 hour nap, and headed out to look for a Creole restaurant.

Some guy called us from his balcony, and invited us to see the view. He turned out to be some sort of meth dealer, listening to Type-O-Negative, and had impregnated 2 women this year, and had some sullen looking Russian girl assembling drug packets, and casually mentioned that he was about to have sex with us.

So we left, because you know, we were hungry, but we went where the guy suggested, Coop's Place, and we had a big meal of Crawfish starter, she had the Shrimp Salad, and I the Pasta Jambalaya. A few drinks, and we got started.

We headed out to Bourbon Street, and we could tell we had arrived. It was the coolest street evAR. Like seriously though, it was amazing. You are allowed to walk in the streets with alcoholic drinks, and the road is about 13 blocks of hedonistic insanity.

The only problem is I was pouring sweat, my blood is too thick for Louisiana, and one can hardly make it from air conditioned bar to bar. So we got frozen daquiris. I got white russian flavour.

There were dozens of bands playing. We saw one band rocking hard, and then settled in a blues bar, where we heard some real Mississippi Delta blues, and they were amazing. The keyboard player was unreal, and the main guitarist was a lecherous old black man.

We walked through the red light half of the street, and went into the 'World Famous Live Sex Acts' one, because it sounded the most raunchiest, and there was no cover. But we had to buy a $7 beer each, and it turned out just to be the crustiest flabbiest topless strippers, doing their pole thang. It was quite personal though, cause at the end, I clapped 5 times, and was the only one even looking at her, so she laughed and said thank you, and came over to squeeze me for a tip.

We went back early, at about midnight, bloated and lazy from a day of drinking under the heinous Southern Sun.

The Capitol Building	Rue St. Philip

We slept in, and it was another scorcher. We went to "24 hour eggs", and they sold us omelletes that were the size of my face.

We had great plans, to see cemetaries, and go shopping, but it turned out differently. I had the great idea to take the free ferry across the Mississippi, where we had a drink. Then I had the not-so-good idea to take the Algiers bus around, to maybe see the residential Katrina damage, and see how the people live.

I thought it would be a cultural experience. I was amazed to see no hurricane damage whatsoever. oh well.

It turned out to be a 2 hour bus ride on some roads in terrible condition, through residential areas of the surrounding three suburbs. We were the only white folk, and there was no way to get back to the ferry other than waiting, and it was raining outside. I had my books, so I was amused.

But Megan was pissed. hell hath no fury - scornful pissed. I would start talking, making a joke to lighten it up, and she'd say 'dont even talk to me. fuck off'. So that sucked, obviously. But we got back to the ferry, got to the first bar, and we bought beer. I got myself a super 32oz beer, to try forget how lame she was being, and we walked to Bourbon street.

At the next bar, I got some Bourbon, and we both got 'Hand Grenade's, purported to be New Orlean's strongest drink. And she was back to her cheerful self, and called her mommy to tell all, as was customary.

I overheard the girl next to us talking to the bartender in that horrible American way when they're actually talking to you, and she kept saying 'when people tip' in bitchy tones. So I called the bartender over, and asked him if he'd rather I tipped him or someone who needed the money more. And he said himself, because he provides a service.

So I told Megan I was going to tip him 50 cents, because the guy was obviously an idiot. If he was charitable in his answer, I would tip him 10%. All he did was pull the handle on the hand grenade machine. I made the syncopated hand motions to show Megan. Big fucking service.

And she said 'what? you didnt tip him?' and she called him over and i was saying 'no no no no no no no', and she tipped him for me. And she was angry with me. that was annoying.

It was drizzling then, and we went to eat supper, and got famous New Orleans Po' Boys, which are essentially gooey meaty packed french bread. The alcohol had really started to hit us, me especially, and we were still arguing about the tip, and I started crying, because people are so stupid, and I wanted them to be smarter.

But that was about that, and we went back early, to nap, before checking out the overground cemetaries. But we only woke up at about 1am, and Megan was not so interested anymore. So we just walked once more to Bourbon St, saw that the town was not very active at 1am Monday night, and "24 hour eggs" was closed, and we called it a night.

Rollin, Rollin, Rollin on the River	Lincoln Continental
Megan happy to be in Algiers

I dropped Megan off at the New Orleans airport, and started the drive back. I got Subway for breakfast, and stopped 3 times along the way to preventatively pour water on the radiator, and to buy 99c 44oz fountain drinks.

I made it back to Austin, at about 8pm. I drove in 1 day what took 3 days of driving east. I ended up in traffic because they were repaving some roads, and called Jaco to warn him about my visit.

When I arrived, I followed a car into the complex, and waited a few minutes for him to arrive. We went to a local bar, ate burgers and played pool, and drank some tequila and beer.

Leaving New Orleans

I woke up early, and Jaco and I watched some Tour de France, because he watches all of it. There was some horrible 2000m climb they had to do. That's 2 table mountains, on a bicycle. ridiculous.

When he went to work, I hit the road. I stopped at Fredericksburg, at a used bookstore, and I got some free coffee. I went to the 'Non-fiction' section, and there were only books on Christianity. So i guffawed, and brought it to the attention of the lady at the desk, who nervously heh'ed. I said, 'well it is texas' and left.

I drove through the most amazing lightning storm, and i swear i saw Zeus throw a lightning bolt. It looked like when the War of the Worlds aliens shoot lightning.

I got to Balmorhea State Park, and the people said it was full except for the expensive options, so they said try the lake. So I went to the lake, where it cost $4 to stay for the night.

It was a nice lake, with ducks. It was raining, so i slept in the car.

Rainy day	Heaven

I woke up with the sun, and drove onwards. 'The Thing?' was open this time, so I got to pay a dollar to discover what the desert mystery was. It was worth a dollar, if only because now i know and you don't.

Today was unspectacular, except for the heat, and the fact that I drove 550 miles through a desert. I stopped in between Tucson and Phoenix to set up camp at Picacho Camp sites, because the national park was closed. It was a great campsite, with a pool and showers and free soap, as well as a store to buy soda. I warmed my spagetthi and meatballs over a few coals. It was an unbelievably hot night.

I was planning on stopping another day, because i thought it was 500 miles, but the signs said 375 miles to LA, so I said fuck it, good enough.

The radio warned a heat advisory that it would be 116 degrees in Phoenix. superb. I drove straight through Phoenix at 7am, and carried on into the desert.

The car started overheating at a town called... 'Desert Center'. I spent an hour pouring water on it, and carried on alright for 100 miles. Then it overheated at a town called... 'Desert Hills'. So yeah, they were not very promising towns.

I got back into that sweet LA traffic, where people are good drivers again, and where you can hardly see the mountains. I passed through Palm Springs, which has thousands of wind power turbines. That was an amazing sight.

And i made it home by 2pm, happy to slouch back on the nice cold couch.